;xNLx;
April 20th is his birthday. We were sitting in my car, after his birthday dinner. He just turned eighteen. ‘Heartless’ came on and I started to sing. It was during that time I was pursuing that music dream. He began to rap, his friends joined him, and before we knew it, we had a cover. We were so excited to be working together. He and I had always been in the same social circles, but we never really interacted. We headed to a friend’s house to record. We discovered we were both ‘struggling artists.’ We smiled. We looked into each other’s eyes, knowing. So it began. Oh, today’s his birthday. My bones ache. “In the night, I hear them talk the coldest story ever told/Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul/To a woman so heartless.”
April 20th is his birthday. I flash back to his first apartment. He was so excited and proud that he was moving out of his parent’s house, and on his birthday no less. He had nothing to clean with, so I made a run to the store, figuring I would skip the incessant phone calls asking what cleaning product he should get, or what tools he needed. Once I got back and got to work cleaning the bathroom, Marvin Gaye blasted through the speakers and he ‘asked for this dance.’ It felt like the feeling you get when you watch a romantic scene – that scene you wish you could recreate but in the back of your mind understood wasn’t anything real. I mean, who is ever really this happy? We danced around, singing and flirting – laughing, and grabbing for one another. I looked into his eyes, but I sink back into reality: the memory is distorted with what comes to be. Oh, today’s his birthday. My bones ache. “There's nothin wrong with me/Lovin you/And givin yourself to me can never be wrong/If the love is true.”
April 20th is his birthday. I was home, tackling my finals. It was my last semester before graduation. I was taking five classes plus an independent study for my undergraduate thesis. It had been a brutal three months so far. It was a Thursday and he wanted to go to a club. I couldn’t afford to lose that time. I told him I would take him out on the weekend – make his 21st birthday really special – and to go have fun with his friends. I trusted him. He still wanted to see me, so he and his friends dropped by, blasting K-OS as he approached. I went outside, he told me he loved me, tickled me as I tried to get back inside, and left. I would later find out, it was the night he met someone else. Oh, today’s his birthday. My bones ache. "I'm not one to repeat myself/But if it ain't broken/Don't fix it/I see you burning all that midnight oil/But I'm caught between a rock and a hard place/That's why I'm walking in the city with a hard face/Seems I'm afraid of being afraid.”
April 20th is his birthday. We were on the phone, because ‘it hurt too much to do this in person.’ We had recently talked about marriage – about him moving with me when I decided what MA program I wanted to attend – about when to start having kids. And now he was telling me his feelings were invested in someone else. I could hear Little Brother’s ‘Slow it Down’ in the background. Oh, today’s his birthday. My bones ache. “I want a girl when I want a girl/And when I don't want a girl, I want a girl who understands that/And that's some hard shit to explain/To a woman that's in love with you, it's a pitiful thing.”
April 20th is his birthday. Ironically, Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River" was playing as a walked in. He had just found out I was moving to New York and wanted to say goodbye. I was too weak to say no. As I walked in, I was ready to stand my ground, only to lay in his power. Oh, today’s his birthday. My bones ache. "You told me you loved me/Why did you leave me all alone"
April 20th is his birthday. Our failures and successes revolved around this date. This 4/20 was different. There wasn’t a chance of reconnection. There wasn’t a breakup looming. James Blake played in the background as I stumbled out of bed. I felt a little light-headed, a little groggy – but nothing too out of the ordinary. I felt around for the light in the bathroom and shuffled forward to find the sink. I looked up into the mirror and felt a shock from the look of my red, swollen eyes, the dark circles akin to bruises. I remembered the night before – the pictures of them in my feed. They looked happy. Oh, right…it killed me. Oh, today’s his birthday. My bones ache. “You're on your own/In a world you've grown/Few more years to go/Don't let the hurdle fall/So be the girl you loved/Be the girl you loved.”
April 20th is his birthday. And I forgot. I emailed him today for some video clips. I wanted some images for the words I was stringing together - some images to go with the songs that make our relationship. As I edited this piece I remembered it was April, so I looked at the date...today is the 20th. I sent him a second email wishing him a Happy Birthday, it's the polite thing to do. I hope he sends me those video clips.
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